Weeble (clockworksaint) wrote,

Satan Supports ID Database

The Dark Lord of Terror, Satan himself, today stepped forward to support the creation of a national database and identity card scheme, currently under trial by the government. At a press conference he explained how identity fraud was an increasing concern for his business.

"We trade in a valuable commodity that is typically impractical to collect at the point of contract. It is very important for us to be sure of a client's identity. “Just because somebody has possession of his soul does not mean he retains legal ownership.” While the vast majority of persons seeking to sell their souls are honest individuals, a small but determined minority try to exploit the system and ruin it for everybody. You see, just because somebody has possession of his soul does not mean he retains legal ownership. These people will try to create a fictitious identity and sell a non-existant soul, or worse attempt to steal somebody else's identity and sell that person's soul. This results in vast costs to employ detectives to do background research on the prospective seller, and for insurance to guard against sellers who default on the contract. The costs multiply as the soul is sold from one trader to another, crippling the market."

The Prince of Darkness and King of Hell went on to explain his support for the new scheme. "Speaking on behalf of all those involved in the soul market, I support the government's new ID cards and identity database. “We can offer the man on the street better value for his immortal soul.” These will help stamp out the widespread fraud we see today that is scaring off many potential investors. And because insurance and background research costs will go down, it means we can offer the man on the street better value for his immortal soul. Everybody wins."

What happens when an unscrupulous individual tries to sell his soul more than once? We asked a lawyer: "Well, legally speaking, if somebody sells his soul under a false identity, it is still very much sold. But only the first such contract will stand. This means a lot of legitimate soul traders will be very upset when the fellow dies and they come to collect! Typically each buyer will try to find flaws in the contracts held by the earlier buyers, and go on to challenge them in court. This demonstrates why it's very important to get legal advice before drawing up such a contract."

Damien Shulz, president of OFRIP, the Office for Registration of Immortal Property, an organisation devoted to ascertaining the legal status of individual souls, is positive about the government's current proposals. "We've been lobbying for this system for some time. For a while now we've had the technological means to be sure that a customer who comes in one day is the same person who came in last week. What this system provides is assurance that the customer has one and only one identity. Now we can be sure whether the customer who comes in today has never come in before. Based on the government's proposed identity system we are building a national database to record the precise ownership status of every soul in the country."

Mr. Shulz also admitted interest in the system by others, including the Mormon Church. "Yes, the Church of... er... you know who I mean... of Latter Day Saints has expressed an interest in our database. We couldn't trade the information itself - the Data Protection Act is pretty restrictive - but we could certainly provide them with statistical data. Like maybe information on what percentage of individuals retain property of their own souls in any given city. That way they could avoid wasting time in an area with very few souls available to 'save'. The possibilities are quite exciting."

The Home Secretary, David Blunkett, greeted this announcement warmly. "It is important that people realise the positive benefits of identity cards. The Prince of Lies runs an enterprise that just won't be feasible without this system. Selling your soul is just one of the exciting opportunities you simply wouldn't have without a card. Identity cards are good for the trade in souls; identity cards are good for the people of the United Kingdom."

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